Getting Stuck

Many times in my life, I have felt as though I am stuck, due to outside forces or things over which I have had little or no control.  This has been especially difficult for me with regard to jobs and, long ago, getting pregnant.   Even the work of finishing my Ph.D. and continuing in two jobs that I resigned (teaching math and reading at Franklin in  Champaign and teaching middle school gifted in North Pole), though I know I could have continued, felt more like the outside forces were also responsible.  In the case of teaching at Franklin, the overall horrible disciplinary picture at the school made my own failure seem explainable.  In the case of teaching at North Pole Middle School, the disciplinary problems and the unpleasant relationships with the students also mitigated my own personal feeling of failure.  Not finishing the Ph.D. was a bit more of a choice.  I weighed the amount of work required to do so, the value of actually getting the Ph.D. vs. my responsibilities toward my new job and to my family.  My kids then were still quite young.

But now I am older and I am thinking over what next.  I am tired of subbing.  I can do it, but I am tired of the insulting pay rate, the lack of a feeling of efficacy, the anonymity, the overwhelming fatigue I feel at the end of a day of subbing.  And, I am aware of my own physical failings.  I am still too fat.  My knees are giving out.  My feet hurt constantly.  And I am beginning to get the sensation of cold creeping up my legs all the time.  My body is giving out.

But, I do have something that, until recently, was giving me a lot of pleasure - my music.  I have been writing music for over 3 years now.  Some of it I have made public - either by singing it myself in public or putting it on SoundCloud, a music sharing web site.

To be sure, there have been setbacks.  John doesn't really like music, so I can't blame him for not understanding it, but I have been disappointed in Rachel and Alyssa's reactions to it.  And, I can tell that the music is not the type of music that is popular now - or probably never will be.

So, the question is, when I am stuck now - and I am in a stuck period of working on my musical - and I have no one to blame but myself, can I work through it?  Do I have enough persistence to keep going when I have no outside circumstances to blame.  I'm not sure.