Many times in my life, I have felt as though I am stuck, due to outside forces or things over which I have had little or no control. This has been especially difficult for me with regard to jobs and, long ago, getting pregnant. Even the work of finishing my Ph.D. and continuing in two jobs that I resigned (teaching math and reading at Franklin in Champaign and teaching middle school gifted in North Pole), though I know I could have continued, felt more like the outside forces were also responsible. In the case of teaching at Franklin, the overall horrible disciplinary picture at the school made my own failure seem explainable. In the case of teaching at North Pole Middle School, the disciplinary problems and the unpleasant relationships with the students also mitigated my own personal feeling of failure. Not finishing the Ph.D. was a bit more of a choice. I weighed the amount of work required to do so, the value of actually getting the Ph.D. vs. my responsibilities toward my new job and to my family. My kids then were still quite young.
But now I am older and I am thinking over what next. I am tired of subbing. I can do it, but I am tired of the insulting pay rate, the lack of a feeling of efficacy, the anonymity, the overwhelming fatigue I feel at the end of a day of subbing. And, I am aware of my own physical failings. I am still too fat. My knees are giving out. My feet hurt constantly. And I am beginning to get the sensation of cold creeping up my legs all the time. My body is giving out.
But, I do have something that, until recently, was giving me a lot of pleasure - my music. I have been writing music for over 3 years now. Some of it I have made public - either by singing it myself in public or putting it on SoundCloud, a music sharing web site.
To be sure, there have been setbacks. John doesn't really like music, so I can't blame him for not understanding it, but I have been disappointed in Rachel and Alyssa's reactions to it. And, I can tell that the music is not the type of music that is popular now - or probably never will be.
So, the question is, when I am stuck now - and I am in a stuck period of working on my musical - and I have no one to blame but myself, can I work through it? Do I have enough persistence to keep going when I have no outside circumstances to blame. I'm not sure.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Hays, KS, to Home
I finished Anne of Green Gables and went on to Anne of Avonlea. And I went back on the open road. Somewhere between Hays and Limon, the time zone changed. But it was still windy, which is what I remember most about that part of Kansas - wind and gentle hills.
I reached Denver mid-afternoon and then headed to Boulder. John had come in from Alaska earlier in the day and he was home when I got there. We unloaded the truck and put most of the stuff in the garage. I will have to go through it eventually, but it is OK there for now. The large mirror is broken on one corner, but I think everything else made it all right. I admit, though, that I haven't checked carefully yet.
I returned the truck and John picked me up.
Since he was leaving in the morning for Japan, he took me out to eat for my birthday that evening. My dinner wasn't especially good, though, so I may take myself out again tonight - or get some Chinese take-out. That sounds yummy.
The cats are fine and seemed glad to see me.
I have a lot to do today, but I am glad to be home and not driving the truck. I am thankful that there were only minor problems along the way.
John left early this morning for Japan and won't be back for a while and that is depressing, especially since it is my birthday, but that also means that I can rest without obligations for a few days.
I reached Denver mid-afternoon and then headed to Boulder. John had come in from Alaska earlier in the day and he was home when I got there. We unloaded the truck and put most of the stuff in the garage. I will have to go through it eventually, but it is OK there for now. The large mirror is broken on one corner, but I think everything else made it all right. I admit, though, that I haven't checked carefully yet.
I returned the truck and John picked me up.
Since he was leaving in the morning for Japan, he took me out to eat for my birthday that evening. My dinner wasn't especially good, though, so I may take myself out again tonight - or get some Chinese take-out. That sounds yummy.
The cats are fine and seemed glad to see me.
I have a lot to do today, but I am glad to be home and not driving the truck. I am thankful that there were only minor problems along the way.
John left early this morning for Japan and won't be back for a while and that is depressing, especially since it is my birthday, but that also means that I can rest without obligations for a few days.
St. Louis to Hays, KS
I had breakfast with Judye and then she wrote out directions to get to the Interstate to head west. This time, I had no difficulty. I put on my audiobook - Anne of Green Gables - and just drove. Kansas City was a pain, but after that the traffic let up and there was mostly just the open road - and the wind. I ate lunch at a truck stop - which was actually fairly healthy. I was getting very tired and hungry as it was getting dark, though, so I decided to stop in Hays, KS, for the night. It was a good choice. There were lots of hotels there (I chose the Hampton Inn) and an Applebee's, which I like. A good dinner - some playing on the computer, email and Facebook, and I was ready for bed.
My feet by this time were pretty swollen. I had gotten a lot of bruises when we were loading the truck and there isn't a lot of room in the truck to move my legs around, so I was glad to be able to stretch out and get some circulation going.
My feet by this time were pretty swollen. I had gotten a lot of bruises when we were loading the truck and there isn't a lot of room in the truck to move my legs around, so I was glad to be able to stretch out and get some circulation going.
Heading Out - Wednesday
Breakfast in the hotel again. Kay wanted to see if she could see Scott's family before she left, but ended up not having any luck. I wanted to go to the U-Haul place and check out a warning light, get a box for the vase, check on the fuel level of the truck, and check on getting help to unload the truck, if I didn't get there in time for John to help me unload. The people at the U-Haul place were good about explaining things to me.
It helps me when driving long distances to listen to audiobooks - NOT music, so I also asked them if they had a jack for the truck that I could plug my iPhone into. They didn't, but they assured me that the Walgreen's two blocks down would have them. So, I went down there. I also got a book of maps and clip on sunglasses, which I had lost several weeks ago.
Then, I was off. I decided to try the diagonal road to get to the Interstate - and that was my first mistake. By the time I figured out I was on the wrong road, I had quite a drive back to the Interstate. Then came my second mistake outside of Nashville. I knew I needed to get I-24, but I also thought it went to Louisville, so when they split off, I headed to Louisville, instead of taking I-24. By the time I figured it out, it was time for lunch, so I stopped at a Cracker Barrel. The server there was REALLY nice and helped figure out the best way to get back to the I-24. She was completely correct - and the lunch was good, so I was fine, but it made me later than I expected.
It started raining outside of Nashville and kept raining most of the rest of the way to St. Louis. There was a detour for route I-64, so I had to take Rte 51 for most of the way from I-57 to St. Louis. When I got back on the Interstate, I noticed that the low fuel light was lit up. It was 11 miles to the nearest exit, which fortunately, I made. I called Judye while I was at the gas station and she gave me directions to her house. It was dark then, and the traffic was pretty heavy, so driving through St. Louis was pretty nerve-wracking. I got lost twice and finally, I just had to have her talk me through the directions to her house. Fortunately, the truck was fairly easy to drive, as long as I didn't have to back up, so eventually I made it there.
It was really good to see Judye and Shmuel. We had dinner at her house and I stayed there the night. Judye and I spent the whole time talking, showing off pictures, and catching up. It was wonderful.
It helps me when driving long distances to listen to audiobooks - NOT music, so I also asked them if they had a jack for the truck that I could plug my iPhone into. They didn't, but they assured me that the Walgreen's two blocks down would have them. So, I went down there. I also got a book of maps and clip on sunglasses, which I had lost several weeks ago.
Then, I was off. I decided to try the diagonal road to get to the Interstate - and that was my first mistake. By the time I figured out I was on the wrong road, I had quite a drive back to the Interstate. Then came my second mistake outside of Nashville. I knew I needed to get I-24, but I also thought it went to Louisville, so when they split off, I headed to Louisville, instead of taking I-24. By the time I figured it out, it was time for lunch, so I stopped at a Cracker Barrel. The server there was REALLY nice and helped figure out the best way to get back to the I-24. She was completely correct - and the lunch was good, so I was fine, but it made me later than I expected.
It started raining outside of Nashville and kept raining most of the rest of the way to St. Louis. There was a detour for route I-64, so I had to take Rte 51 for most of the way from I-57 to St. Louis. When I got back on the Interstate, I noticed that the low fuel light was lit up. It was 11 miles to the nearest exit, which fortunately, I made. I called Judye while I was at the gas station and she gave me directions to her house. It was dark then, and the traffic was pretty heavy, so driving through St. Louis was pretty nerve-wracking. I got lost twice and finally, I just had to have her talk me through the directions to her house. Fortunately, the truck was fairly easy to drive, as long as I didn't have to back up, so eventually I made it there.
It was really good to see Judye and Shmuel. We had dinner at her house and I stayed there the night. Judye and I spent the whole time talking, showing off pictures, and catching up. It was wonderful.
Alabama - Tuesday
The hotel in Huntsville included breakfast, so we ate there. I had checked for places with U-Haul trucks and we compared costs, but, in the end decided that I would probably need a 10 foot U-Haul. Only, there weren't any one way 10 foot trucks available in Huntsville. We finally found one in Albertville, which was on the way to Boaz, so we reserved it and then went to look at the storage bin. The 10 foot truck would be fine.
So we drove down toward Boaz. We had to call again for more specific directions to the U-Haul place, Tobacco Outlet Unlimited, but we found it and rented the truck. Then we drove on down to see Mom. She was eating lunch. Her hands are so bad now that they have to feed her. But Kay and I took over and did that. She wanted to eat in her room, so we moved down there. She really isn't eating much, but I did get her to finish her peach cobbler.
We spent some of the time looking at Anna Kathryn Lynn's (Terry and Rebecca's new baby) birth announcement and talking about her and Carah Cathleen Lynn (Scott and Virginia's new baby). It took quite a bit to get her to figure out who everyone was was. For some reason, she was really fixated on which kids were adopted and which ones weren't. After lunch, a lady came to do her nails and, since we had a lot to do, we left.
We picked up the truck on the way back from Boaz and then headed toward Bill's. Kay wanted to get Mom's Jazzy, an electric wheelchair, for Jim and I wanted to get Wynell's vase. Bill was there and tried to discourage us from taking anything. The lamp that Kay wanted was moved from where she had seen it the day before and it took a while to find it. We found the trunk (which isn't worth much) easily, but we couldn't find the vase. Bill told me at one point that he thought we wanted to sell it. I don't really understand why he would say that. The last time we were there, we pointed out VERY CLEARLY that it was to go to Wynell. We had talked about it for a LONG time - the pattern, its value, the need to store it inside, not in the storage bin. I don't quite understand why he put us off the vase so much. But we decided that we would have to ask Teresa about it, instead, so eventually, we left and went over to the storage bin. Bill didn't come along, as he had to take Emily to basketball practice.
So, even though it was getting dark, Kay and I went to work loading the truck. Several plastic tubs, quite a few boxes, a desk, a bureau, a tall mirror, a heavy oak table, a Stickley chair, two more lamps. A lot of work. After we were done, we went out to dinner and then we went back to meet Bill and Teresa after Emily's practice.
Teresa seemed tired and distracted and didn't really talk to us much. When she had finished unloading the car and putting things away, she did finally find the vase for me. And then we left. All of us were tired, I think.
So we drove down toward Boaz. We had to call again for more specific directions to the U-Haul place, Tobacco Outlet Unlimited, but we found it and rented the truck. Then we drove on down to see Mom. She was eating lunch. Her hands are so bad now that they have to feed her. But Kay and I took over and did that. She wanted to eat in her room, so we moved down there. She really isn't eating much, but I did get her to finish her peach cobbler.
We spent some of the time looking at Anna Kathryn Lynn's (Terry and Rebecca's new baby) birth announcement and talking about her and Carah Cathleen Lynn (Scott and Virginia's new baby). It took quite a bit to get her to figure out who everyone was was. For some reason, she was really fixated on which kids were adopted and which ones weren't. After lunch, a lady came to do her nails and, since we had a lot to do, we left.
We picked up the truck on the way back from Boaz and then headed toward Bill's. Kay wanted to get Mom's Jazzy, an electric wheelchair, for Jim and I wanted to get Wynell's vase. Bill was there and tried to discourage us from taking anything. The lamp that Kay wanted was moved from where she had seen it the day before and it took a while to find it. We found the trunk (which isn't worth much) easily, but we couldn't find the vase. Bill told me at one point that he thought we wanted to sell it. I don't really understand why he would say that. The last time we were there, we pointed out VERY CLEARLY that it was to go to Wynell. We had talked about it for a LONG time - the pattern, its value, the need to store it inside, not in the storage bin. I don't quite understand why he put us off the vase so much. But we decided that we would have to ask Teresa about it, instead, so eventually, we left and went over to the storage bin. Bill didn't come along, as he had to take Emily to basketball practice.
So, even though it was getting dark, Kay and I went to work loading the truck. Several plastic tubs, quite a few boxes, a desk, a bureau, a tall mirror, a heavy oak table, a Stickley chair, two more lamps. A lot of work. After we were done, we went out to dinner and then we went back to meet Bill and Teresa after Emily's practice.
Teresa seemed tired and distracted and didn't really talk to us much. When she had finished unloading the car and putting things away, she did finally find the vase for me. And then we left. All of us were tired, I think.
DC and Alabama - Monday
Kay left early the next morning for Huntsville at the same time as John was leaving for Alaska. I tried to sleep in a little, but I was awake and soon got up for breakfast. Since Kay's room included breakfast, and she was gone, I asked if I could get breakfast in connection with her room. They said they weren't supposed to do that, but, in the end, they did - so I left a good tip. I was tired and not up for any sight-seeing, so when Rachel and Emil showed up, ready to go to the National Geographic Museum, I decided not to tag along and bid them good-bye.
I just took a taxi to the airport, determined to just relax until my plane in the afternoon. I got to the airport around noon and tried to curb-check my bag. But the American agent made a mistake. He didn't read my name correctly from my ID and when he handed me my boarding pass, I noticed that he handed me only one pass. I needed two - one for the plane to DFW and one for the flight to HSV. So I told him. He insisted that it was correct, because he had the record locator. But then I showed him that that was the wrong record locator and I was not Laura Lee Walters, but rather Laura Lynn Walsh. So we had to go inside and rectify the mistake, which actually took quite a while. I will have to check my credit card to make sure I was only billed once for the luggage.
I was getting hungry again, since I had eaten breakfast so early. I found my gate, which was near a food area, so I just got lunch, sat near a power strip, and got out my computer. As I was starting lunch, I saw Rachel and Emil come up toward their gate. They were also early, so they sat with me and we had a nice lunch together. They left first and then finally I got the plane to Dallas. It was a bit bumpy in places, because of turbulence, but it was OK.
The Dallas airport was fine, too. I actually like the Dallas airport. The Skylink there helps minimize the long walks between gates and terminals and it is easy to access. There are quite a few restaurants with acceptable food. The plane to Huntsville was a newer and larger one than they had previously used on the route. Each person has a panel built into the seat in front of them, with info, games, movies, etc. I watched part of a movie, although I don't remember any of it right now and the flight wasn't long enough to finish it.
Kay was waiting for me when I got off the plane. She had already gotten the key for the storage bin from Bill; she had been down to Boaz to visit Mom; she had gotten the hotel; and she had had dinner with Bill, Teresa, and Emily. But both of us were tired, so we just drove to the hotel, checked email, and went to bed.
That was Monday.
I just took a taxi to the airport, determined to just relax until my plane in the afternoon. I got to the airport around noon and tried to curb-check my bag. But the American agent made a mistake. He didn't read my name correctly from my ID and when he handed me my boarding pass, I noticed that he handed me only one pass. I needed two - one for the plane to DFW and one for the flight to HSV. So I told him. He insisted that it was correct, because he had the record locator. But then I showed him that that was the wrong record locator and I was not Laura Lee Walters, but rather Laura Lynn Walsh. So we had to go inside and rectify the mistake, which actually took quite a while. I will have to check my credit card to make sure I was only billed once for the luggage.
I was getting hungry again, since I had eaten breakfast so early. I found my gate, which was near a food area, so I just got lunch, sat near a power strip, and got out my computer. As I was starting lunch, I saw Rachel and Emil come up toward their gate. They were also early, so they sat with me and we had a nice lunch together. They left first and then finally I got the plane to Dallas. It was a bit bumpy in places, because of turbulence, but it was OK.
The Dallas airport was fine, too. I actually like the Dallas airport. The Skylink there helps minimize the long walks between gates and terminals and it is easy to access. There are quite a few restaurants with acceptable food. The plane to Huntsville was a newer and larger one than they had previously used on the route. Each person has a panel built into the seat in front of them, with info, games, movies, etc. I watched part of a movie, although I don't remember any of it right now and the flight wasn't long enough to finish it.
Kay was waiting for me when I got off the plane. She had already gotten the key for the storage bin from Bill; she had been down to Boaz to visit Mom; she had gotten the hotel; and she had had dinner with Bill, Teresa, and Emily. But both of us were tired, so we just drove to the hotel, checked email, and went to bed.
That was Monday.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Alyssa and Stephanie's Wedding - Sunday
The wedding day was good. Kay (my sister, who prefers Kathryn, but which I can't quite get used to) woke up early and we went looking for breakfast. John planned to eat breakfast from the grocery store - his usual preference - so Kay and I looked around for places that were open on Sunday. I wanted a good breakfast, because I wasn't sure I would get time for lunch. We checked a couple of places that weren't open and finally returned to the hotel restaurant - where we found out the Kay's room rate included breakfast for two. So we had a good, slow breakfast, eating and talking.
When we finally finished, Kay decided she wanted to go museum hopping, and John running, so I wasted some time until they told me I should come earlier than originally scheduled to get my hair and makeup done. I am not a hair and makeup person, but I went anyway. There were two women doing the work - one for makeup and one for hair. The bridal suite living room was crowded with wedding party people and significant others. And the bedroom was the staging area for steaming the wrinkles out of dresses. [Have I already complained about the humidity? Sorry.]
I got my makeup done fairly soon and she went easy on it, since I told her that I don't normally use any makeup. That part ended up not so bad. But then there was quite a wait for the hair doing. There were several people before me and I didn't mind waiting. In fact, I wouldn't have minded if all she had done was made sure my hair curled under, instead of up, and then hairsprayed it into oblivion. But Alyssa seemed to want me to try something more stylish, so I acquiesced. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't. The final result was probably ok, but it certainly wasn't "me" and I almost dread seeing the pictures of me.
I was most worried about my dress - and I know I was (selfishly) more worried about me than about how everyone else was doing - but it seemed to me that everyone else was doing just fine - so all I needed to worry about WAS me. When Kay got back, I asked if she could come up and help me with my dress. The dress was a lot more low cut than I am used to and the necklace was slightly too long and needed to be adjusted, if possible. So we had to figure that out. And shoes. I normally just wear Birkenstocks for my terrible feet, but that really would not do with this dress, so I wore the Birks, until picture-taking and then put on the painful shoes for the rest of the day.
Pictures were supposed to start at 4:00. Then it became 4:30. Then closer to 5:00. I think the picture-taking might actually have started at 4:00 in the bridal suite, but Kay, John, and I spent most of the time in the hotel lobby with Denise and Tom, Stephanie's parents, waiting for our part. It came, eventually.
The wedding was scheduled for 6:00 and we didn't have long to wait between the finishing of pictures and the beginning of the ceremony. I was really happy to see Geoff, John's brother, come. We haven't seen him for a long time and that was really nice that he flew down from Vermont.
The wedding ceremony went well and the reception afterwards was also good. Stephanie and Alyssa both looked absolutely lovely and a lot of her friends from Uni, the U of I, and locally came. A lot of Stephanie's law school friends came, too, which was great. All in all, the wedding went well and I could almost forget my "not me" look - hair and dress.
I did get to sing my song for them - "Make Someone Happy". I am a bit embarrassed now that I actually did so, but it wasn't too bad, so there you are.
Both Alyssa and Stephanie had looked a bit strained for most of the day, but they relaxed a lot at the wedding and especially at the reception and I think they looked like they were having fun. I wish them both well.
And I got to take my hair down as soon as I got back to my room - much better. Sigh. I am truly self-centered.
When we finally finished, Kay decided she wanted to go museum hopping, and John running, so I wasted some time until they told me I should come earlier than originally scheduled to get my hair and makeup done. I am not a hair and makeup person, but I went anyway. There were two women doing the work - one for makeup and one for hair. The bridal suite living room was crowded with wedding party people and significant others. And the bedroom was the staging area for steaming the wrinkles out of dresses. [Have I already complained about the humidity? Sorry.]
I got my makeup done fairly soon and she went easy on it, since I told her that I don't normally use any makeup. That part ended up not so bad. But then there was quite a wait for the hair doing. There were several people before me and I didn't mind waiting. In fact, I wouldn't have minded if all she had done was made sure my hair curled under, instead of up, and then hairsprayed it into oblivion. But Alyssa seemed to want me to try something more stylish, so I acquiesced. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't. The final result was probably ok, but it certainly wasn't "me" and I almost dread seeing the pictures of me.
I was most worried about my dress - and I know I was (selfishly) more worried about me than about how everyone else was doing - but it seemed to me that everyone else was doing just fine - so all I needed to worry about WAS me. When Kay got back, I asked if she could come up and help me with my dress. The dress was a lot more low cut than I am used to and the necklace was slightly too long and needed to be adjusted, if possible. So we had to figure that out. And shoes. I normally just wear Birkenstocks for my terrible feet, but that really would not do with this dress, so I wore the Birks, until picture-taking and then put on the painful shoes for the rest of the day.
Pictures were supposed to start at 4:00. Then it became 4:30. Then closer to 5:00. I think the picture-taking might actually have started at 4:00 in the bridal suite, but Kay, John, and I spent most of the time in the hotel lobby with Denise and Tom, Stephanie's parents, waiting for our part. It came, eventually.
The wedding was scheduled for 6:00 and we didn't have long to wait between the finishing of pictures and the beginning of the ceremony. I was really happy to see Geoff, John's brother, come. We haven't seen him for a long time and that was really nice that he flew down from Vermont.
The wedding ceremony went well and the reception afterwards was also good. Stephanie and Alyssa both looked absolutely lovely and a lot of her friends from Uni, the U of I, and locally came. A lot of Stephanie's law school friends came, too, which was great. All in all, the wedding went well and I could almost forget my "not me" look - hair and dress.
I did get to sing my song for them - "Make Someone Happy". I am a bit embarrassed now that I actually did so, but it wasn't too bad, so there you are.
Both Alyssa and Stephanie had looked a bit strained for most of the day, but they relaxed a lot at the wedding and especially at the reception and I think they looked like they were having fun. I wish them both well.
And I got to take my hair down as soon as I got back to my room - much better. Sigh. I am truly self-centered.
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