Selfish

Regarding my last post about singing.  Most of my current interest in music is completely and utterly selfish.  I don't listen much to other people's music.  My music teachers would be appalled to know how little I listen to music.  And yet, I try to write music.  Why so little interest in other people's music and interest only in my own.  It isn't even that I think my music is so good.  I know, in many respects, the music of mine that people have actually liked is mediocre.  Especially the music part.  The part people seem to like best is the story-telling part.  But I seem to be mostly interested in my own stories - and not anyone else's.  It is selfish, self-indulgent, and self-absorbed. 

Sigh.

Singing

Years ago, my grandfather heard me singing and said with a smile, "You must be happy."  It had never occurred to me until then that singing was associated with happiness and it was a bit incongruous for me to think of it in that way.  I think I must have disappointed him slightly when I denied that I was happy.  I was just singing. 

There have been long, years long, periods of my life where singing wasn't part of what I did.  It wasn't that I was unhappy and abandoned singing because of that.  I just didn't think so much about it.  And even now, I have a rather strange relationship to it.  I sing, I write music, I hum in the car, but it isn't so much tied to an emotion, as it is just part of what I do. 

I guess I have a rather strange affect.  Other people who are teachers consistently insist that they just LOVE children.  I find children absolutely fascinating, but I can't say, I LOVE them.  I can say that about mountains, though.  I LOVE looking at mountains.  Why the difference?  I don't know.  But it is the same with singing.  I can't say I LOVE singing, but I do it - a lot. 

So now, I am performing music.  Why?  I am not sure.  There is the nervousness and the heady rush of accomplishment, but I don't think that is completely it.  For me, there is also the aspect of wanting to share something tied to the music.  It is a way of expression, I guess.  There is also the personal validation that comes from sharing my own music. 

Music seems to be something I just do - a lot.

Pride

I just re-read my post from January about getting stuck.  I did manage to work through part of the problem at least.  I finished the musical - Dealing with Dragons - or at least what I envisioned as my part of it.  I am proud of the work.  It isn't the current Broadway style, but it is fun, the music is appealing, and the story is worthwhile.

And now it is in the hands of a friend of mine to write the piano accompaniments.  He is doing a FABULOUS job.  It makes me feel like my part was only the beginning and his is the REAL transformation  - taking something that was fine, but not stellar, into something that may actually be GOOD. 

Even this amount of success, though, still leaves me wondering if I am really good enough to do all this.

When will I EVER get past this "good enough" problem?  Probably never, unfortunately.

Fairbanks, Again

I leave tomorrow for Fairbanks - my big vacation of the year.  As is rather typical of me, my vacation will be filled with classes - 10 Cabaret classes; 8 piano/keyboard improv classes; 2 classes on copyright and royalty provisions for creative artists; and 2 Cabaret performances.  It will also be filled with meeting up with old friends. 

I am looking forward to the trip - at least I think I am.  I always wonder if I am good enough for all of it.  Am I good enough to perform in Cabaret without making a complete fool of myself?  Am I good enough to learn about improv piano without completely destroying my image of myself?  Am I good enough to even worry about copyright and royalty stuff - why bother, when no one cares anyway?  And, finally, am I a good enough friend to my friends who are there for me? 

Will I ever feel good enough for what I am?

Argument

I got into an argument on Facebook last night and it has left me rather depressed.  The argument was with a person whom I generally respect.  But it ended with a rather personal attack.  I think my mistake was thinking that the discussion was a general philosophical one, when it was actually much more personal.  It is true, that I knew nothing of the specifics of the situation - they weren't included - and I probably over-reached in my interpretation of the situation.  But I felt that the reaction was personal and very rudely worded.  I thought I was standing up for myself; the other person interpreted it, I would guess, as arrogant interference.  Sigh.

So, I am licking my wounds and trying to stay away from Facebook for a while. 

Family Support

Recently, I got into an argument with my younger daughter regarding an upcoming trip.  The problem was lack of communication about rental cars and specifics of the trip.  It is true that I didn't ask for specifics, but I was waiting for more information - which never came.  Thus this complaint.  Why is it that my kids are not very supportive of me?  They are both on Facebook; they both regularly check email.  I frequently "Like" pictures they post, news that they post, and other things that they share on FB.  They rarely say anything to me.  They don't "Like" any of my posts.  They don't encourage me when I am feeling down.  Why don't they ask me questions, initiate communication, send me things that they think I might enjoy?  I just don't get it.

I know John doesn't like or understand music, but both of my kids do.  Why aren't they more supportive of what I am trying to do with music?  So what if it isn't their style.  Why can't they be more encouraging anyway?

Do they feel the same about me?  Do they feel that I am not supportive of their interests?  Or do they just not care?

Sigh. 

Getting Stuck

Many times in my life, I have felt as though I am stuck, due to outside forces or things over which I have had little or no control.  This has been especially difficult for me with regard to jobs and, long ago, getting pregnant.   Even the work of finishing my Ph.D. and continuing in two jobs that I resigned (teaching math and reading at Franklin in  Champaign and teaching middle school gifted in North Pole), though I know I could have continued, felt more like the outside forces were also responsible.  In the case of teaching at Franklin, the overall horrible disciplinary picture at the school made my own failure seem explainable.  In the case of teaching at North Pole Middle School, the disciplinary problems and the unpleasant relationships with the students also mitigated my own personal feeling of failure.  Not finishing the Ph.D. was a bit more of a choice.  I weighed the amount of work required to do so, the value of actually getting the Ph.D. vs. my responsibilities toward my new job and to my family.  My kids then were still quite young.

But now I am older and I am thinking over what next.  I am tired of subbing.  I can do it, but I am tired of the insulting pay rate, the lack of a feeling of efficacy, the anonymity, the overwhelming fatigue I feel at the end of a day of subbing.  And, I am aware of my own physical failings.  I am still too fat.  My knees are giving out.  My feet hurt constantly.  And I am beginning to get the sensation of cold creeping up my legs all the time.  My body is giving out.

But, I do have something that, until recently, was giving me a lot of pleasure - my music.  I have been writing music for over 3 years now.  Some of it I have made public - either by singing it myself in public or putting it on SoundCloud, a music sharing web site.

To be sure, there have been setbacks.  John doesn't really like music, so I can't blame him for not understanding it, but I have been disappointed in Rachel and Alyssa's reactions to it.  And, I can tell that the music is not the type of music that is popular now - or probably never will be.

So, the question is, when I am stuck now - and I am in a stuck period of working on my musical - and I have no one to blame but myself, can I work through it?  Do I have enough persistence to keep going when I have no outside circumstances to blame.  I'm not sure.